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working towards perfection (and failing)

Category: The Blogger (page 1 of 9)

running on empty

I have had a most odd day, from an emotional point of view.

My routine every morning is to reach for my trusty phone and check the news before arising from my cosy bed.

News of the Kensington tower block fire caught me unawares and left me feeling profoundly sad and broken. I don’t know why it’s affected me quite so much. All day I have lived with an emptiness in my belly and a strong desire to curl up in a den of my own making. It’s almost as if the idea of people facing such tragedy, of knowing that death is imminently inevitable, that it won’t be quick and it won’t be painless, made me SO sad that the sadness became a numbness.

But at the same time I feel as if I have every {negative} emotion possible bubbling away under my skin. Anger fights frustration and irritability spars with exhaustion.

I am just a wreck.

Maybe tomorrow will bring a spot of happiness with it.

In the meantime, here’s some recent photos …

 

it’s a dazzlingly bright daz thing …

I would like to introduce you to Daz.

I knew a bloke called Daz once. I think it was short for Darren. He had ginger hair and taught Geography at the same school as me in Essex.

This is not about *that* Daz.

So, meet Daz. Famous for doorstep challenges and random celebrities insisting that random strangers reveal their knickers to the entire nation.

As a SuperSavvyMe Savvy Member Whatsit Thingy, I was one of thousands picked to sample the delights of new Daz for Whites and Colours. I even got some samples to give away, in return for answering a few questions and filling in a few conversation reports online.

What can I say?

Well, it smells really amazing. What with it being damp and miserable outside, I’ve had to do a fair amount of drying indoors; returning from a hard day at work to a house which smells clean, fresh and just so jolly nice, is a big bonus. It also made my whites really white. I’m not just saying that so that they think I’m a nice person who never writes anything negative … No, it really does. I mostly noticed it on my mattress protector which just seemed to glow, like virgin snow sparkling under a bright winter’s sun.

I *think* I’ll continue to buy it, at least for as long as I have some money off coupons. It is a bit pricey to buy and Aldi’s own brand is so much better value for money, even if it doesn’t quite get my whites white enough.

Thank you Daz, for my shiny, lovely smelling, clothes and sheets and towels and stuff.

oh, hello

Snapshots of a life that is easily forgettable.

a sunset.

a dress in a shop window.

a work of art?

a happy niece.

waiting at the station.

a trip to harry potter’s world.

a lack of faces at the bus station.

vintage dollies get into the xmas spirit.

i am a superhero.

the cold, wet – but bright – streets of Mac.

a pipe cleaner tree on my desk.

a drive past a pylon.

a new year.

a simple leaf.

art.

autumn colours.

a bicycle.

that was 2015

TrueFunny.com - New Year funny resolution 2014 wallpaper funny pics

2015 was the year of the Baby Niece. It was also the year of the spiralizer, but no, I don’t own one.

I flirted with the internet, using paying blogging platforms. One just upped and left with $48 of my hard-earned cash and the other is flirting back with me. I go by Poppylicious. My anonymity still means the world to me. I discovered survey sites and earnt lots of Amazon vouchers to spend on Christmas presents. I rock. Sometimes.

The Blokey turned the big Four Zero. Our kidney continues to do well.

I went to Wales. I went to Belgium. I lost weight with Dukan. I enjoyed a bit of Yorkshire hilly regions. We laughed with a real-life Bill Bailey. The boiler broke and then got fixed. The cats don’t argue quite so much anymore.

Work is slightly pants. It might get pantier, it might not.

Yes, I made that word up.

I am going to endeavour to write more here in 2016. I like writing on sites where I get paid, but I sometimes feel that I’m only writing or commenting to make money, and likewise, that people are only commenting on my posts to make a bit of extra cash. That isn’t what blogging is about to me. To me it’s simply about putting a little piece of myself out there, for the world to see. Or not. It makes me feel more valued, gives me a purpose. Besides, we’re paying for this domain; I should use it more often!

So, happy new year. I’ll be spending mine in bed, snuggled up with Blokey because he has Man-Flu. Huzzah!

Keep on rockin’.

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i have seen the light

Keanu

Have you ever had an amazingly profound experience, one which blows your mind? You’re just casually reading something online and suddenly your head says, ‘yep, I know that’s true!’ and tears form at the corners of your eyes?

I had that experience one night this week. I suppose it must be what religious people experience when they finally find God, or some other higher being. It’s a very powerful, incredibly intense feeling whereby your mind is sensationally blown.

At the time I was reading theories about different views on the universe and our place within it. There were two which I felt at ease with, as if I knew all along that it was true in much the same way my Baby Brother’s sexual preferences were something I always knew.

Firstly, we’re just a game. We’re simply Sims following the Fate of whatever our creator has in store for us. ‘God’ – or whomever we believe in {or not} – is just someone playing us on a computer screen. It explains my personal understanding of Fate and its relationship with Free Will, it gives a reason for those little glitches we all experience and an excuse for all those times things which don’t go as planned, the curveballs life throws at us. It also recognises that religious folk may be correct in their belief that there is a god – of some kind – who is all-knowing and all-powerful.

Secondly, and more interestingly for me, is the theory of ‘phenomenalism’. This is the idea that there is no existence without perception, the belief that objects only exist as a phenomenon of consciousness. When you are not aware of something, or interacting with it, it disappears. Poof! Gone. It only exists again when you interact with it again, in whatever form that may take.

And thirdly, what if we’re just brains in a jar. Or, I’m the brain in the jar and I’m ‘dreaming’ this life of mine. None of you reading this exist in reality; you’re all just figments of my overactive imagination playing a role of my choosing.

Maybe it’s a combination of all three, and possibly more. Perhaps I think too much and there is no Truth about our place within the universe. Perhaps I’ll wake up tomorrow.

And yes, I do believe is parrallel universes. I think. Maybe.

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i can’t even keep my own secrets

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I am seriously considering writing my memoirs. It would be mostly for selfish reasons, and I probably wouldn’t even be gutsy enough to get it published, but it would be therapeutic and I do need therapy.

There is stuff in my life which is impossible to blog about, even in a fairly anonymous way. In conversations with YASiL yesterday I confessed that there are bits of my head which the world has never seen. She told me to write a book about it. So I will. I even have a title for it, but telling you that,  dear Lone Reader, will create a bond between us which I’m just not ready for.

There have been regular occurrences throughout my childhood, adolescence and adulthood, concerning a variety of people, from friends, to family, to lovers, where I’ve thought to myself  “I thought we’d never come back from that one”. More often than not though, we do come back from it, however tragic or horrid or electrifying ‘it’ was.

And life goes on. One day that life will die with me and nobody will ever know the truth. And I do have an insatiable need to tell the truth.

Use It or Lose It

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i believe

Smart Quote_inspirationalphotoquote

Agree to Disagree

I am full of quirky ideas. Some people may consider my views of the world to be extreme in their naïvety, but I’m not going to apologise for these views.

I believe that we are all genuinely good at heart, even the most evil of us. All of us have the capacity to love and to feel, and to be loved in return. We may not always be deserving of that love but the potential is there.

I believe that we should all be forgiven for our mistakes, even those which make some people despise us. Without forgiveness it’s impossible for folk to truly learn from their mistakes. Hate the sin, love the sinner. To err is human. All that jazz.

I believe that we are all worthy of second chances. People are not one dimensional; there are layers upon layers upon layers to every single human. Situations, conversations, and experiences all change us. We can change from ‘good’ to ‘bad’ and back to ‘good’ a plethora of times in a single day.

I believe there is no black and white, and there are more than fifty shades of grey.  We are all entitled to view the world as we see fit, even when that view is wrong. It is education and perseverance, understanding and trust which enables us to choose a more stable, sustainable path in life.

I know that some people think I look at the world through rose-tinted spectacles but I actually believe I’m just a realist. Good and bad exist. Brainwashing exists. People are always searching for the greener grass or the path to heaven. We can’t hope for society to right its wrongs if we simply label everyone and say they can’t deviate from that label, ever.  Reasoning, understanding, empathy … they all play a big role in our existence, and sadly we aren’t all able to attribute these to everyday life.

And that’s when we all fall down.

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you are nothing but a speck of sand within another speck of sand, ad infinitum

how2

In October I signed up to a site where you write posts, comment on other people’s posts and ‘like’ them too, if the mood takes you.  I expected it to be full of farty-arty types, those who are fabulous with the written word, those who have chosen writing as a profession and are the dog’s bollocks when it comes to getting their ideas down on paper.

I was very much mistaken.

It’s a writing platform for anybody.  Have a computer and a semi-literate brain? Then this is the site for you. It’s basically just a blogging/social media site which gives you a few pennies for posting stuff. I was expecting lavish articles on the world’s deepest mysteries. Instead I’ve been subjected to what Auntie Agnes thought of the jar of homemade jam she received for Christmas. I thought I might stumble upon some reviews or the occasional creative story, a work in progress. Instead there have been posts galore on how cold it is.

I do enjoy it. If I post a few ‘articles’ each day, like a few others and comment on those that pique my interest my ‘bank balance’ increases a little. When I get to $50 I can cash it in, via PayPal. All I really have to do is try hard to ignore the adverts at the side of the page; no biggie, I ignore them on Facebook too. I was never under any illusions … I’ve been blogging for years! It’s taken me over two months to get to $30, but I don’t waste hours a day on it.

In the last week the founders of the site have reviewed and subsequently changed the way that rewards are given. People went positively bonkers! I can understand them being angry about the fact that they won’t be receiving some pending payments, but I have no sympathy for them in failing to understand that the idea was never going to be sustainable in the long term.  Many have gone off to Land Across the Yonder, where the grass is greener, without stopping to think that the newish site they’re migrating to also won’t have the money to sustain its ‘writers’. These are the people who are only in it for the money, the people who write about what they had for breakfast and still manage to garner a following of hundreds, those who actually can’t write because if they could really do it for a living they’d actually be getting paid to write as ghost writers, or for magazines.

It’s only the internet, guys. Get a grip. If you want more than pin money, this is not the way to earn it.

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tomorrow-blank-page

Dear 2014,

I hate you. You suck.  You are my very own ‘annus horribilis’.

I trust that you are happy with yourself, that you sleep soundly after rubbing your hands together in glee at the frightful mess you made of my life.

I know that you’ve been whispering in the ear of 2015, making silly suggestions about how best to fuck up the next twelve months, but it won’t work. 2015 thinks you’re petty and vindictive.  2015 craves my love and wants me to be happy. In the battle of the years 2015 will always beat you, of that I’m sure.

I’m really sorry that you failed in your quest to make me SO miserable and SO frightfully sad that I’d cave in to my emotions. I am obviously far stronger than you gave me credit for.

I do wish you well, 2014. You taught me to hold my head up high, to trust my instincts and to love unconditionally. For that, I salute you. You showed me wickedness, but couldn’t make me crumble. For that, I salute myself.

Here’s hoping that 2015 is happy and humble, innocent and beautiful. I raise a glass to you, 2014, and banish you to The Past, for ever.

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worst. year. ever.

broken h

An Extreme Tale

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” — Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities.

When was the last time that sentence accurately described my life?

That sentence could have described my life at many different ages: Childhood, when my Father walked out, but I loved school {I was a nerdy five year old}; teenagehood, when I liked boys, but struggled with hormones; university days, when I blossomed and excelled at being three hundred miles from home, but longed for Mummy’s cuddles when drunk; being in love, yet getting beaten up … so many times this could have accurately described my life.

But most recently, is probably now. This year. Today. Tomorrow. 2014 has been a truly horrid year, and 2015 will no doubt be nearly as horrid. But I am still in love, I’m looking forward to spending time with family at Christmas, I’ll be able to get all broody when Husband’s niece makes an appearance and I still thoroughly enjoy my job.

I’m the girl with a smile on her face which hides a multitude of ‘stuff going on in the background which nobody knows about’.

And I’m okay with that.

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