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working towards perfection (and failing)

Tag: #fmsphotoaday

running on empty

I have had a most odd day, from an emotional point of view.

My routine every morning is to reach for my trusty phone and check the news before arising from my cosy bed.

News of the Kensington tower block fire caught me unawares and left me feeling profoundly sad and broken. I don’t know why it’s affected me quite so much. All day I have lived with an emptiness in my belly and a strong desire to curl up in a den of my own making. It’s almost as if the idea of people facing such tragedy, of knowing that death is imminently inevitable, that it won’t be quick and it won’t be painless, made me SO sad that the sadness became a numbness.

But at the same time I feel as if I have every {negative} emotion possible bubbling away under my skin. Anger fights frustration and irritability spars with exhaustion.

I am just a wreck.

Maybe tomorrow will bring a spot of happiness with it.

In the meantime, here’s some recent photos …

 

something i learned

quote

Today’s photo challenge is ‘something i learned’ and I think I’m going to take a photograph of the orchid on my kitchen windowsill; this time last year I thought it was dead. The lesson learned being that even seemingly dead things may flower again if left alone.

That strikes me as being a lot like my life really.  Leave me alone and I’ll bloom.  Stifle me and I’ll likely curl up and hope you go away.

Due to the terrible month that was March I opted to throw my hands in the air, wave the white flag and surrender myself to the Happiness Pills.  It’s been six weeks now and they appear to be working, although in the last week I’ve felt more anxious and somewhat hyper again.  I’m on the lowest dose possible; it may need tweaking.

Also, I’m seeing a counsellor.

It is REALLY difficult.  Not only do I not like talking, but I definitely don’t like talking about myself.

And despite only seeing her for three one hour sessions, I appear to have learnt (or allowed myself to realise) some things about myself.

I’m a control freak.

I may possibly have a superiority complex.

I actually LIKE feeling this way. This goes back to being a control freak.

Although I now look at things as an adult and think they’re insignificant, the fact that they happened when I was a child – thinking as a child – means that it’s okay to accept that my childhood was traumatic.

I have a lot of guilt over the stuff I put my beloved Mumsy through.

I never talk about my own (personal) experiences, even with friends.

I have no (limited) confidence/self-esteem.

I push people away because it’s easier than having to deal with drama.

I can’t think of anything that I’m good at.

What are you good at, KatieF?

I don’t know. I can tell you lots of things I’m not good at though.

I know that, she laughed.

I hate it when she asks me what I’m thinking.  Sometimes I’m sitting there and not thinking anything, and sometimes I’m unable to put the things I’m thinking into spoken sentences which will make sense, even to me.

I know I’ve been very lucky.  Because of the kidney situation I was able to see her (she’s the renal counsellor attached to the dialysis unit at Hospital) and it all happened rather quickly.  Had I had to wait for therapy at the GP surgery I would have had a good three months to wonder why I’m bothering, and then I wouldn’t have gone. I don’t know how many more sessions I’ll have, or whether it’s really helping me as much as it could, but at least I can say that I’ve tried it and I’ve tried opening up and being honest about who I am and where I’ve come from.

It’s just nice for someone to tell me that it’s okay to feel this way … it isn’t all just in my head.

March 2014

March was a terrible, terrible month.  I think I did a fairly good job of hiding how terrible it was.

I did manage to complete the #FMSPhotoaday challenge though, and am continuing it for April.  I know that you’re obviously dying to see my pictures, so show and tell them I shall. Or, the best ones anyway.

#somethingborrowed ... the last page of a book I borrowed from the library. It was sad, and they've made it into a film. I'm in two minds about going to see it.

#somethingborrowed … the last page of a book I borrowed from the library. It was sad, and they’ve made it into a film. I’m in two minds about going to see it.

#faraway ... Waiting for the bus after work; it's a long way away, under the bridge.

#faraway … waiting for the bus after work; it’s a long way away, under the bridge.

#cropped ... my feet, in one of my favourite places.

#cropped … my feet, in one of my favourite places.

#weathertoday ... it was overcast but spring-y.

#weathertoday … it was overcast but spring-y.

#soft ... Qyzy, my beautiful boy cat (who has softer fur than Dora, who is much less annoying.)

#soft … Qyzy, my beautiful boy cat (who has softer fur than Dora, who is much less annoying.)

#morning ... at the antique fair, where we stumbled upon them filming for bargain Hunt again. They did lots of running around for seemingly no reason.

#morning … at the antique fair, where we stumbled upon them filming for Bargain Hunt again. They did lots of running around for seemingly no reason.

#nostalgia ... Sindy was my favourite toy as an ickle-thing, so now I source her out and antique fairs. And not forgetting the Enid Blyton Dean & Son Ltd. books in the background.

#nostalgia … Sindy was my favourite toy as an ickle-thing, so now I source her out at antique fairs. And not forgetting the Enid Blyton Dean & Son Ltd. books in the background, of course.

#sticky ... I wrote my Blokey a post-it note and left it on his 'current mood' thingy, because I am lovely.

#sticky … I wrote my Blokey a post-it note and left it on his ‘current mood’ thingy, because I am lovely.

We also took a trip to London to watch our beloved (not very good) football team win the FA Trophy in a match with a lesser known (and even more not very good) team. Notice how two not very good teams are unable to fill Wembley Stadium … *grin* (It was an amazing atmosphere though, even with only 20,000 people making a small dent in a stadium built for 80,000!)

My first view of Wembley, from the tube station.

My first view of Wembley, from the tube station.

Just outside, drinking extortionately priced tea and enjoying the blue sky.

Just outside, drinking extortionately priced tea and enjoying the blue sky.

The supporters go wild!

The supporters go wild!

Playful.

Playful.

We won! So much applause!

We won! So much applause!

That was March.

#fmsphotoaday

MARCH-photoaday

Last year I took a photo a day, for no other reason than I wanted to. However, it becomes pretty boring after a while, especially when you run out of things to take pictures of (oh my God, it’s ten to midnight and I haven’t taken a photo today; where’s that damn cat!). So, after a hiatus of a couple of months I stumbled across this fun thing to do, and so do it I shall.  I’m going to try to twitter and instagram them, but will share my best attempts with this blog, because it’s mine and I can.

Tomorrow we’re off to my MiLs for birthday celebrations (hers) and to hear stories of house buying (BiL & YASiLs). I shall nod and smile in appropriate places whilst wishing I was at home, being a homebody and hoping that next week will pass very very quickly so that the weekend will get here and I can relax.

Today one of our cats has vomited. We suspect Qyzy, purely because he bolted his food and the stomach contents left on the floor look decidedly fresh. It is nothing but fun in the house of KatieF.

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