As a non-driver (can’t drive, won’t drive) I spend copious amounts of time sitting on buses. Old buses, new buses, smelly buses, cold buses, hot buses, whiney buses, broken buses, late buses, early buses, comfy buses, ridiculously slow buses … I ride them all.
I actually like buses. I do. This creates a bit of iffy-ness in my life; I don’t like (crowds of) people and (crowds of) people - naturally – get on buses. But when I curl up as small as possible at a window seat and plug my iPod into my ears I start to watch, and listen, and form opinions. Many opinions can be formed on the 12 mile, one hour bus journey from FlatHickTown to ChavTown …
So, I would like to introduce you to my fellow bus travellers …
I Am God
This chap/ess is usually of the teenage variety, but can occasionally be discovered in its adult form. S/he is highly arrogant and was presumably dragged up to believe that s/he is the centre of the universe by parental units who probably pander to its every ridiculous whim. I Am God has no qualms about pushing past patiently waiting people in order to get on the bus first, and will happily shout to people sitting further down the bus. S/he invades the personal space of others regularly, and is probably a bully. The best way to deal with a fledgling I Am God is to look him in the eye and say “Twat” … This may need to be repeated weekly until the fledgling I Am God learns from his/her misadventures.
The Raver
The Raver is the passenger who sticks headphones into ears and just bops his/her head up and down in time to the music. Most people know that The Raver’s taste in music is probably pretty shite. The best way to deal with a Raver is to laugh at him/her.
The DJ
S/he likes the sound of their own music so much they play it from their MP3 players without using headphones. All their mates fink it’s a right laff, innit. The best way to deal with a DJ is to have a conversation with him/her/it using very big words.
This Is My Seat, Bugger Off!
This traveller chooses a double seat and either sits on the aisle side leaving a vacant seat next to the window, or sits on the window side and puts a big bag on the aisle seat. S/he then spends most of the journey looking out of the window/picking their nails/reading The Sun so that they don’t have to give the other seat up. The fuller the bus, the more likely you are to find a This Is My Seat, Bugger Off! passenger. They have been known to let heavily pregnant women and little old people stand on a packed bus. The best way to deal with this traveller is to sit on him/her or his/her bag if s/he fails to acknowledge your wild hand gesture which means ‘oi, move’.
The Reader
From the moment s/he gets on the bus, his/her nose is in a book. The book isn’t put down until the traveller arrives at their destination. You do not need to deal with The Reader; they are harmless. Watch them carefully though; sometimes they delight you by crinkling their nose up in disgust or by smiling insanely at something only they know, because only they’re reading it.
The Sleeper
The Sleeper (who interestingly appears to be quite young) has an amazing ability to know when his/her stop is coming up. A Sleeper can be ignored as they are generally harmless and only humourous if they dribble/snore, which the established Sleeper isn’t likely to do. Novice Sleeper’s who aren’t fully tuned in to their bus stop may be laughed at or prodded awake, depending on how generous you’re feeling.
I’m All That
She’s not, but she thinks she is as she flirts with the bus driver. Ignore her.
The Old Lady
You can spot an Old Lady from afar; she tends to wear an oversized furry/woolly hat and drags a tartan shopping trolley along behind her. Be very wary of her. She’ll sit next to you and start talking when the last thing you want is for somebody to sit next to you and start talking, despite there being plenty of other people who she could be annoying with her nattering. If you’re in a bad mood deal with her by yanking your headphones out of your ears, making a face and growling, “What?!” as this tends to scare her and she’ll move on to some other prey. If you’re feeling generous simply nod occasionally and mutter such trivialities as yes, of course, and oh dear! Male versions of the Old Lady are less likely to be spotted, and when they are spotted it is usually in the company of their very own Old Lady.
The Toddler
Most toddlers are simple creatures who suck their dummies and gaze out of the window. However, The Toddler usually has a mum who cherishes her mobile phone/friendships more than Toddler and allows Toddler to scream and cry and crave attention. When mum doesn’t offer the craved attention, Toddler tends to stand on his/her seat and start making noises at the passenger in the seat behind, occasionally stretching out the hand of friendship. It is difficult to know how to deal with Toddler, especially if you are the passenger in the seat behind. Do you make noises back, poke out your tongue, just smile, or simply ignore Toddler …. ? Oh, the decisions!
And we haven’t even got started on the bus drivers yet …
