I am a cake and you want to eat me up, yummy-yum-yum.

My recipe is:

One teaspoon of bewilderment
A mugful (preferably just on the verge of overspilling) of numbness
A jelly-mould of anxiety
Seventeen droplets of crazed laughter
A bucketful of anger
A dash of selfishness
Three miniature bottles of matyrdom
100g of sugar (because I’m not sweet enough)
And a liberal dosing of grumbles

Oh, and a teaspoon of vanilla essence (to taste)

My method:

Go to a meeting where your colleagues are grumbling. Sit there amused and (inside your mind) shake your head and make snarky remarks about their inability to realise they are not affected by changes. Fold their comments sagely, making sure to pick out those that are worthy of remembrance and keep them aside for tastiness later. As you sit there beat all the ingredients together veryveryvery stiffly with as much strength as you can muster.

Let it fester.

Whilst it festers, enjoy a good sob (on the bed is best, not to mention very comfy.)

Come back to it a short while later (or whenever you can be arsed) and give it another good beating. In order to make the mixture as effective as possible be sure to think of things you really don’t like as you do this; your Boss or … your Boss.

At this point you may imagine scenes where you are rude to your Boss. You may do this safe in the knowledge that you will never publicly say these things. This will help the cake to rise.

Leave the mixture for a few days whilst you amuse yourself with the cake-making abilities of other people. Refrain from telling them the truth and instead keep your comments internalised, except for a few close friends. Realise at this point who your friends are. Make a mental note to do as little as possible for those who don’t matter over the next few months. This won’t affect the loveliness of your cake.

After a few days you may start baking your cake. You can bake it for as long as you want at whatever temperature you feel is best. Nobody really gives a toss about that.

You will know when your cake is ready for nom-nom because it will appear relaxed and peaceful. However, do be aware of a bitter after-taste that may linger on your tongue for a while because appearances can be deceptive, don’t you know.

Now, get thee baking!