They say that the eyes are the window to your soul.  I don’t really know about this because I’m an eye-contact avoider, finding it uncomfortable and intrusive.  I therefore know little about your soul, or anyone’s soul. However, it has become apparent to me that Facebook may be the new window to your soul. And – somewhat scarily, with a big dollop of ignorance and naïvety on the side – this window often has the curtains open for the whole wide world to be able to see what’s deep inside your very core.

Sometimes, it freaks me out. But on most occasions it makes me realise that I don’t know you at all, or that you’re a bit dumb, or that you spend far too much time attention-seeking, and then a multitude of other opinions go racing through my sweet little head, making me roll my eyes or feel superior and smug.

I’d like to introduce you to some of the statuses which have found their way onto my timeline in the past couple of weeks, with the punctuation and grammar they were afforded by the people who wrote them (unless paraphrased, and then it’s all my own mistakes.)

The text-talker: “Nightmare can’t put wellies on due to pain in broker toes and its going to rain at beacons” – There is a HUGE lack of grammar and punctuation here, and I myself would NEVER post a status without checking such things.  I realise I’m a bit of a grammar Nazi, and I may at times be overzealous with my use of the nifty little idea of the edit button, but I went to uni with you so I know you’re capable of more.

The bored housewife: “Taking daisy swimming” – Lovely. Why did I want to know that?

The internet addict: “I post-cross my Twitter oddities with my Fb timeline. That way you get to see parts of conversations which make no sense to you because I’m”

“indulging in a #tweetchat, which makes me super cool. #amazeballs.”

‘Nuff said.

The roundabout teller-offer: “Wonders why indirectly (or maybe it is direct) some people can be deliberately unkind – when it actually does not really solve matters??” – What my Wicked Stepmother wrote just after a weekend when my Mumsy got to spend an entire weekend with all her four children, their partners and her five grandchildren. One sibling had come over from continental Europe with his family. Said sibling had cut all ties with The Monster (Father) eight months previously. We know your game, Stepmother.

The greedy one: “All my friends are having babies. I want a baby.” – You already have one. Love her, cherish her and be thankful that you’re so blessed.  Some of us may never experience that.

The attention-seeker: “Some people make me sick.” / “I’m mad.” / “I’m sad.” / “I wish it wasn’t like this.” – I’m sorry but I refuse to fall victim to your focus on me status. Whatever it is, get it off your chest and put us all out of our misery you attention-seeking whore.  Also, offering to PM people when they inevitably ask, “What’s up, hun?” is very unbecoming and downright fucking rude.

The attention-seeker v.2 – feed my ego: “I’m currently on 218 likes [link hidden] which is someway from my next target of 250! So if you haven’t liked the page please go and do so and if you have liked and want to share my page it would be much appreciated !”– You post this every fucking week … enough! If I want to like it then I’ll like it, but please don’t beg me to like it.  Likewise with the “Sponsor me! Sponsor me!” statuses which you post nearly every fucking day beginning six months prior to the event. This just puts me off sponsoring you. A couple of requests is surely ample?

The attention-seeker v.3 – my boring life: “This is my blog” – Okay. I’ve read it, it’s a bit yawn-inducing and for a qualified solicitor your English is appalling.

My kidz are better than yours: “This is a picture of my daughter, and another, and another …” – I know you love her and cherish her, but twelve photos of her wearing the same dress, sitting in the same spot? Really?

The ponderer: “Who would have thought trying to upgrade a mobile phone would get you thinking” – Everybody … if you’re upgrading your phone you need to think about lots of things, numpty.

The attention-seeker v.4 – i want to be seen to be more popular than you: “It’s my birthday in however many days.” – So? Oh … you want lots of people to say, “Happy Birthday, Attention-Seeker!” so that you look popular and amazeballs? Got it! Oops, forgot to say, “Happy Birthday!” Sorry.

The sheeple v.1 – if everyone else believes it i need to believe it too: “I’m sharing this picture/quote/link/video. It’s about something I feel really strongly about and I’m completely appalled/saddened/happy about it.  However, I haven’t checked the validity and so I don’t know if it’s correct, but you must see or read it.” – This applies mostly to anyone who shares a link from the Fb group Britain First (you do know they’re a very racist group, ja?) or shares those pictures which claim Fb will give money to save the dying baby/dog/seal for every share it receives (they won’t, idiot). Your internet connection can offer you more than just games and sheeple activities … try Snopes!

The sheeple v.2 – of course i care: Anything which ends with “I know 97% of people won’t repost this, but my friends will be the 3% that do.” – Nope. I won’t. Don’t guilt-trip me and my emotions and make me feel like a bad person. I’m a good person and I don’t need to prove it to you, or anyone.

The superiority complex: “I’ve never read or seen this, but I heard such and such about it, which must be true, so without basing anything on my own views I’m telling you to avoid it because if I think it’s shit, it must be shit and you’re a fool if you think otherwise. LOL Dumbass.”  – Um … okay. I’ll read it or see it if I want to, and then I’ll come back and tell you whether I think you’re right or wrong and if I think you’ll enjoy it.

The religious nutter: “God has blessed me with <insert something here>. He is wonderful.  Without him my life wouldn’t be the same.” I suspect it would, love.